1 in 3 black women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime. According to the Institute of Women’s Policy Researchers Status of Black Women, 31.5 of black women will experience domestic violence annually. According to reporting by the National Center for Victims of Crime, 53.8 percent of black women have experienced psychological abuse (February, 2020). The report also shows that 41.2 percent of black women have experienced physical abuse (February 2020).
One of the hardest mental abuse a woman can struggle to overcome is domestic violence. Women are nurturing naturally so we can have the mindset that if we nurture the men we love they will change. This is so untrue. The men we choose to be in our lives are vital to our health and wellness. It can even be the difference between life and death if we do not choose wisely.
You don’t learn your man or choose your man based on how good things are between the sheets. That is a common misguided approach women have when dealing with men. You also can’t raise, fix, or change a man. He is already grown so what are you doing?
Men need to get the help they need to be more stable with the way they view women as a whole. Women are not to be controlled, manipulated, used, and abused. As women, we must get serious about the way we value ourselves. We need to love ourselves the way God does. We need to value ourselves by God’s standards, not the men we get involved with.
Some women have had abusive and traumatic childhoods. If this is true, the lens we see life through is broken. If we don’t fix that lens, we will keep attracting abusive men. We do this because since childhood all we have known is abuse.
Another area in abusive situations is a lack of letting God help us discern who He has for us. We keep trying to put God on the shelf when He should be at the forefront of our relationship decisions. This is vital with the partners we choose. This helps us to avoid the circumstances we find ourselves in.
Domestic violence takes the lives of black women in record numbers. According to an article by one of the oldest legal information sites, the leading cause of death among black women between the ages of 15 to 35 is domestic violence (HG, 2020). We are more susceptible to attracting abusive partners because we are more impoverished than other races of women in the United States. The lens by which we see partners is broken because of the issues that we face as black women.
The men who abuse black women also have a broken lens. They are often full of rage, anger, and frustration because of the issues they face. Black men struggle to see the woman as a helper and support because maybe their mother was not helpful and supportive to them as a young boys.
Black men have had angry and frustrated men grooming them and putting a broken lens in then. Black men are witnesses to a father or stepfather who abused him and their mother as a child and they adopt that mindset and ways.
For these reasons, black women need to protect themselves from brokenness by dealing with the pain from their childhood in a safe space like therapy. It is important to educate yourself about what is a healthy relationship is. How do they create a safe space to be vulnerable and be loved? This has to be done before entering relationships. Also, if we attract these toxic relationships, we need to get help and support.
This is not something any woman can do on their own. We are pulling layers of brokenness off, and we need a safe space to do that. The safe spaces are therapy and a support group. We have to stop thinking we are okay when our lives reflect that we are not well emotionally and psychologically. We have to love ourselves enough to create a better life. Another issue we face as women is the desire to change men. It doesn’t work. Men must have a true desire to change.
It is time for us to stop seeing through the broken lens that has altered how we see men. God designed the man to be led by God. He designed the woman to follow a man being led by God in a healthy balanced way.
Allow God into your life so you can heal. Then let God choose your partner. Lastly, strive to break the cycle of abuse in your family by killing its generational roots. You do this by seeking God, allowing him to choke the roots.
He will reveal how deep they are and allow God to do the healing work in you. Also, we must be open to therapy and support groups. Become an active member of your community to raise awareness. Change starts with you and me.
No one should suffer in silence to abuse, control, manipulation, and violence. Let’s break the stigma of domestic violence.
Domestic Violence Hotline: 18007997233
Research
Blackburn center. (2020, February 26). Black women and domestic violence. https://www.blackburncenter.org/post/2020/02/26/black-women-domestic-violence
Reed, B. (2022, June 25). An unspoken epidemic: homicide rate increase for black women rivals that of black men. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/jun/25/homicide-violence-against-black-women-us
HG. African american women disproportionately at risk for death by domestic violence. https://www.hg.org/legal-articles/african-american-women-disproportionately-at-risk-for-death-by-domestic-violence-31238
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